Ken Solin

The sexual paradigm is morphing rapidly. Evidence of the progress women are making in every venue is abundant. As the number of women enrolled in the graduate schools of business, medicine, and science, has increased to half or more, the ranks of men have decreased proportionately. More women are serving in government, and some are fighting our wars. While their progress in every arena is laudable, it has led some in the media to the wrong conclusion.

The “demise of men” is a hot topic. While some men are lost and angry and feel as if men are on the decline compared to women, many understand that the ascent of women didn’t depend on the descent of men. Most men understand the shift in the balance of sexual power and aren’t threatened by it. But there are a fair amount of men who apparently do resent empowered women, and their attitudes, while antediluvian, are made publicly and frequently.

Nowhere is the empowerment of women more evident than in relationships. Women aren’t so keen to marry, have children, and stay home. Many view marriage as a one-way ticket to single motherhood, and the divorce statistics support that. Women are far more circumspect about their partnering selections, and some men complain women are unceremoniously dumping them. The comments left by jilted men on HuffPost50 regarding articles about relationships reflect the anger some men are feeling. But the genie is out of the bottle, in terms of empowered women. Where does this leave men? That depends on whether men view themselves as victims or partners in the new dynamic.

I urge men struggling with the changing sexual dynamic, to stop whining about how women are treating them. First, it’s unmanly to whine. Second, no one is listening except other whiny men. Women have long suffered second-class citizenship, especially in relationships, so it falls on deaf ears when men complain women aren’t treating them well. There’s often a temporary swing to the other extreme during a cultural shift.

Every time I write about men behaving inappropriately with women, there’s a contingent that reminds me that women sometimes behave badly in relationships, too. Of course there are women who aren’t particularly interested in being the best relationship partners possible, but that’s a flimsy excuse for men who insist their dysfunctional behavior is a quid pro quo. It’s a circular argument with no winner.

Taking the high road is most effective. Men who treat women with respect and dignity will find few who will mistreat them in return. Men need to stop excusing their behavior and cynicism about women because a woman once mistreated them. If men behave in a manner that will inspire women to appreciate them and treat them with the respect they deserve, they will be rewarded most of the time.

If you’re in a relationship with a woman who treats you badly, walk away. If a woman unfairly dumped you, let the pain in, allow yourself to feel the sting, and then move on. Men suffer greatly after failed relationships when they refuse to feel their pain and work it. There’s nothing new about men sucking it up instead of putting their painful experience to rest.

I appreciate all the comments from readers, and I’m not averse to opposing attitudes. But, pointing your finger at women who have mistreated you as your rationale for doing the same to them only increases the emotional distance in relationships, and it won’t win any hearts.

The first principle to honor is that women are equal to men, and until men fully accept that premise, the angry finger pointing will continue, and relationships will remain contentious. Make the first move. Be open and honest and state your needs clearly. Most women will respond in kind and treat you with the same respect. Whether or not the demise of men becomes a reality has nothing to do with women, and everything to do with men’s attitudes.

My men’s group doesn’t allow whining because everyone knows from experience that it keeps the pain alive instead of addressing it and letting it go. Evolved men don’t hamstring themselves with self-pity. If you’re feeling hurt about the way a woman treated you, talking it out with other men will help you move beyond the pain and disappointment. Other men can also help put you on a better path with women. My new book, Act Like a Man clearly demonstrates how men can successfully improve their relationships with women, and make lifelong men friends in the process.

I cringe when I hear this old chestnut because it paints men with way too broad a brush. It demeans us and suggests that we’re shallow and without souls. Unfaithful men keep making the news because they’re famous and everyone likes to watch a train wreck. But that rubbernecking shouldn’t ever be confused with admiration or desire.

In contrast, there are few stories about men who don’t cheat on their wives and work hard on their marriages. Perhaps stories about faithful men lack the salacious pizzazz the media is so addicted to. After working with men for over twenty years, though, I know that the title of this article is dead wrong. Opportunity–or its lack–is not the determining factor in fidelity for most men.

Men are faithful to their wives because they appreciate the richness of being in loving, supportive relationships. Although I have a tight-knit group of men friends who’ve always been there for me and have taught me most of what I know about relationships, my wife is my absolute best friend when I need advice about something other than our marriage. When I ask her opinion about a problem I’m struggling with, she tells me what she believes might work best for me. She doesn’t pause to consider whether or not her advice works for her too–and sometimes it doesn’t. I do the same for her, and our willingness to act selflessly with each other is a strong foundation for trust in our marriage.

We also offer each other unconditional support–a shoulder and compassionate ear in crises, cheer-leading for one anothers hopes and dreams, and sharing disappointments. That dependability has helped build and deepen the intimacy between us.

Intimacy requires the courage to commit to a woman without fear. But when that fear comes up for me, I remember how I felt before I found a woman I could commit to. I remember how empty dating and casual sex felt over time. What I also remember is that the only married men who envied my single-guy sexual exploits were in marriages devoid of intimacy or trust. After I married, I found listening to their extramarital stories sad and boring. Their character as men suddenly seemed a mile wide and an inch deep.

Of course, marriage takes work–hard work–but every relationship in my life that I hold dear involves some amount of work. My relationship with my son takes energy at times, but I never think twice about making the effort because I adore him. My relationships with my friends sometimes falter, and when that occurs, we talk about the problem and work through it because we place the highest value on our friendship. I feel similarly about making the effort with my wife.

I don’t know any man who wouldn’t prefer to be in a loving, satisfying relationship, and that includes the men I know who cheat on their wives. Most married men appreciate the value of shared intimacy, and lying and cheating just don’t figure into that. Being a faithful partner has absolutely nothing to do with opportunity. It’s all about character, integrity, hard work–and acting like a man.

When I first met Armand Castro, more than twenty years ago, I was a wild and wooly, out of control, angry guy who had no close friends and a serial dating addiction. I was in my early forties and he was in his sixties. He must have seen something in me that caused him to want to mentor me. His involvement changed the course of my life forever.

Mountain biking was the first activity we shared. Armand went to the bicycle shop with me to help pick out my first bike, and taught me how to work through the twenty-two gears and navigate the nearby mountain. I was out of shape and he was as strong as a gorilla, but in time, I rode alongside him and we enjoyed many hours riding and talking together.

After work I visited Armand at his home, nearly every afternoon, and we would share some wine and talk about being men. I often stayed for dinner, and while I was a good cook, he taught me to be a better one. There was a constant string of men flowing in and out of Armand’s home, sharing their most recent stories with him. I think we all wanted his approval for how we were living our lives, and we knew we could always depend on him for frankness. That was, in fact, his trademark.

Perhaps the single most valuable lesson I learned from Armand over the years, was that it was safe to trust other men. My father had been a violent brute, and there was no trust between us. Armand was the first man I ever trusted, and it felt good in my soul to finally know the feeling that comes from caring about another man.

Armand frequently became impatient and annoyed with me, but that was his manner, and we joked about it often. On his birthday years ago I gave him a plaque that read: Armand Castro, the founder of judgmental Buddhism. He had the ability to laugh at himself, and even be self-deprecating at times. He never took himself 100% seriously. That was his charm.

It didn’t take long before I realized I loved this older man who had volunteered to put me on a better path. We always hugged, and kissed on the cheek, when we met and when we parted, and I always felt the love behind those hugs. With the exception of my sons, no one was more important to me than Armand.

In time, as often happens, the student rebelled against the teacher. When I did, I felt I needed some space to spread my wings and fly solo. When I moved a short distance away, I brought the lessons I had learned from Armand with me. I hadn’t seen Armand for quite a while before a mutual friend called recently to tell me he was ill. My immediate reaction was to break down and cry. I cried because I was so sad to hear he was ill, but also because I was so grateful to have spent so much time with him.

I visited with my old teacher, Armand, the other day and we sat across from each other holding hands. We cried tears of joy and stared into each other’s eyes. The love that had grown in my heart for my teacher years ago was still there, and as powerful as ever. He was sweet with me and shared his feelings about the old and new me. He spoke in a low whisper, and told me his only complaint about me had been that I didn’t listen very well. He was right, of course, but I assured him I had become a better listener.

I wish that every young man could have a mentor in his life. The lessons that fathers used to pass down to their sons ended at the start of the Industrial Revolution. Boys were left to fend for themselves and become men, and that hasn’t worked out very well. As the father/son relationship has diminished over the years, the need for mentors has grown.

If you’re an older man and you don’t think you still have value in the world, think again. The lessons you can teach a young man will help ensure that his life will move in a better direction. He will never forget those lessons, or the man who took the time to teach them.

Thank you, Armand, from the depths of my soul.