Ken Solin

Men at work has a nice ring to it. There’s a suggestion of physical effort being expended, and in an age of non-physical effort, that’s somehow reassuring. The image that immediately pops up for me is one of men surfacing roads or cutting down trees. This kind of work requires strength and stamina.

There’s another type of work that men perform however that has nothing to do with physical exertion. This work only requires men to sit down together and be open and honest about their lives. But don’t for a moment think that this work is any less exhausting than road or tree work.

Men who regularly meet to discuss their debilitating issues, i.e., relationships, dating, divorce, sexuality, trust, etc., are working to free themselves of the often painful residue that is left over from past events. It is through sharing their stories that men can heal the wounds that have held them back, sometimes for decades.

But this work can only be successful if judgment and gratuitous advice is kept out of the dialogue. Judgment is someone’s opinion about your behavior, and opinions are fairly useless. Opinions are off the cuff remarks that have no bearing on a man’s particular issue.

However, when men offer their own experiences in similar situations, the man who is struggling receives the other men’s absolute truths, because that’s what feelings are, a man’s absolute truth.

Gratuitous advice is insulting since it comes from a place other than a man’s experience. It insults because there’s no feeling or caring associated with it.

Men across America are doing this work together. The problem is that not enough men are meeting together yet.

For men to become something other than a punchline in a sitcom will require them to put in the work. I’m saddened by how foolish men are portrayed to be in the media and I’m dedicated to helping men change that paradigm.

Men’s groups aren’t old school, new school, or any school for that matter. They have been, and still are, the best way men can help move their lives beyond the pain and limitations that past, devastating experiences stuck on them. Men who do the work find that their lives have changed for the better. Their relationships with women improve. They form friendships with other men for the first time since boyhood.

It doesn’t cost a dime and it’s easy to start your own group. Call a man you know who probably knows another man, and in a week your 8 man group will begin meeting. Stop procrastinating about becoming the man in your fantasy.

Act like a man!

Do men need help to realize their potential? Absolutely! Can they get the help they need from women? Absolutely not!

Back in the 1970s, women realized that they needed help actualizing their potential as well. Like men today, they were seeking not only to explore and embody their emotional power, but also to gain equal access to the social and political power that men controlled. Did they ask for or want help from men? Absolutely not! Instead, they united to share ideas, clarify their goals, and work together to achieve them in a massive, grassroots phenomenon. Women’s groups sprouted like weeds all over the country, and the world hasn’t been the same since. Isn’t it about time men realized the same is true for them—that only other men can help them understand who they really are and help them become the best men they can be?

Where women entered the growth arena at a social and political disadvantage, men enter it at a developmental disadvantage. Since the beginning of the Industrial Revolution in the mid 1800s—when fathers went to work in the urban factories—the lessons they’d taught their sons for generations about manhood were lost forever. Boys were raised by their mothers and never got the first-hand perspective of what being a man in the world was all about. In today’s economy, since most women work as well, kids don’t receive the necessary life lessons at all and essentially end up raising themselves or getting their guidance from other lost and clueless kids.

Even in this situation, girls tend to learn to be sensitive to others, to share, and to cooperate, while men generally learn to be lone wolves, to play their cards close to their chests, and to compete. Consequently, women tend to be far more plugged into their feelings than men and despair of finding men who can communicate with them from their hearts and not just their heads. With a 50% divorce rate, I think the lesson for men is clear.

So how can men move beyond their upbringing and learn to identify, honor, and share their feelings? Who can help them work through their relationship issues? Where can they find a safe, level playing field on which to bat around experiences and try out new behaviors? Not with women, who tend to be much more adept at dealing with emotions, but only with other men.

I’ve been working with men for nearly twenty years and know that, with few exceptions, men can work through their issues and become their own heroes. I’ve seen near miracles watching other men evolve and experienced one myself. At forty-two, I had no men friends and went through serial relationships with women. I felt like I was committing emotional suicide and finally was miserable enough to participate in the most uncomfortable situation I could have imagined, sitting down with other men and opening up.

Meeting with a group of seven other guys—with over 300 years of collective male wisdom to share—I learned that it was my lack of trust in both men and women, a gift from my parents, that kept me at an emotional distance from everyone. Learning the cause of my problems was the first—slow, painful, but sure—step to dealing with them and developing into a man I can be proud of. I wouldn’t be married today if I hadn’t done that work, and there isn’t a wife or girlfriend of a guy in my group who didn’t appreciate her partner’s emotional growth as well.

So can men help other men realize their potential? Absolutely! All it takes is courage and dedication.

So step up and stand tall . . . and act like a man!

I frequently hear men talking about their “friends”. Most seem to be acquaintances though, particularly when the friends mentioned are business associates. I think the confusion about what constitutes authentic friendship arises because so few men have any. In that vein, casual acquaintances become a substitute for friends. Let me clear up any confusion.

When your life falls apart, i.e. divorce, death, job loss, relationship breakup, health issues, etc., who can you call for comfort and help? Likely, no one since most men don’t have the kind of friends they can call upon when any of the aforementioned issues arise.

So, there you stand in front of your bathroom mirror, alone, desperate, anxious, confused, and sad. You’re experiencing something terrible you’ve never faced before and you have no one to call for help. This is perhaps the loneliest and most painful time in your life, and you have no one to can reach out to. It’s likely you have already had your bathroom mirror episodes, so what have you done to avoid the next one? What effort have you made to ensure you’ll never be left out in the cold again? Doing nothing is committing emotional suicide. So is grabbing at any branch floating by.

If you have no real friends, the woman you are in relationship with is forced to become your entire social world. Of course, no woman can suffer this burden for very long, and at some point a smart woman would decide to unburden herself by breaking up with you. Women who have experienced a man without friends once, frequently ask the next man they meet whether or not he has any friends. A no answer means she’ll pass.

Your children, who have friends they play with, will not understand why dad seems to be alone most of the time. The example you set for them regarding friends is an important lesson. Whether it’s a positive or negative one is entirely up to you.

How do I know so much about being friendless? I was without authentic friends until I turned forty, when I’d grown weary of watching other men connect on a level I simply wasn’t able to. I decided that no matter the pain associated with making friends, the pain of not having any was worse.

Making friends isn’t easy, particularly authentic friends who you can absolutely trust to be there for you in your moment of need. Trust is the keyword that defines authentic friendship. Trust is what allows men to be open and honest without fear of reprisal or recrimination.

I have a half dozen authentic men friends now, guys who I trust without pause or consideration. These men rose to the occasion when my youngest son died and never left my side. They supported me through the worst time I’d ever experienced, without ever missing a beat. My friends provided the kind of comfort and warmth only possible through trust and love.

Where did I find such honorable and trustworthy men? I started a men’s group nearly two decades ago. While we’ve experienced men who are not trustworthy or capable of love, we’ve hung in together and brought new men into the group to replace them. Nothing could prevent any of us from being emotionally available to one another. Our trust in each other is absolute.

We never give advice, but offer our own experiences instead. The words, “you should”, have been replaced by, “here’s what I did when faced with your dilemma”. The difference is profound. It’s the difference between the nonsense men tell each other standing at a bar drinking together, and the invaluable information men share from their hearts. Which is more valid? It’s obvious.

If you know any men who might be interested in digging deeper into their lives, ask them to join with you a few times a month to talk about helping each other work through your issues. Eight men is sufficient. More becomes cumbersome. This might save your life down the road, but at a minimum, will enrich your life enormously.

Act like a man!