Ken Solin

Rodeo Rides
While having sex isn’t any boomer’s first rodeo, having wild monkey sex may be less familiar. What’s wild monkey sex? Imagine the hottest sexual fantasies you ever conjured up, becoming your reality. But here’s the thing that makes it somewhat elusive; you won’t be having wild monkey sex if you’re having casual sex, because the wild monkey variety depends on a powerful heart connection. I can hear the boys’ chorus warming up. “This is just some emotional bullshit, right?” Wrong.

A Boat Missed
I’ve spent a lifetime being sexual, but not in many truly loving relationships, and while sex sometimes bordered on wild monkey, it rarely reached those heights. Sex has always been important to me, but I missed the wild monkey boat until I finally put sex and love together. If you’ve never been deeply in love, not infatuated or kind of in love, then you’ve never had wild monkey sex. The best casual sex on the planet can’t hold a candle to the wild monkey version. Why? Fair question.

In Love We Trust
If you hope to have the ultimate sexual pleasure, trust is a major factor. Considering that sex is the most intimate interpersonal act, it isn’t much of a stretch to see how it’s closely tied to trust, particularly for boomers whose goal is to be in an enduring relationship. It’s also not difficult to grasp how fully trusting a sexual partner can add to the quality of sex with that person. Having your sexual fantasies come to life is far more likely if you’re with a partner who isn’t thinking about feeling safe, and can be completely uninhibited instead.

No Limitations
Then there’s the pleasuring factor. If I love a woman, I’m going to knock myself out to please her sexually, in any way she desires. I’m in a steamy, hot, loving relationship now, and there’s nothing either of us desires sexually, that the other isn’t thrilled to provide. I’ve had very few casual sexual experiences in which my partner was willing to completely let go of all her inhibitions and satisfy my every sexual fantasy, without reservation. There’s always some holding back in casual sex because there’s a degree of hesitation being sexual with a veritable stranger you don’t know, especially today.

I Can’t Get No
There’s also the satisfaction factor. Casual sex always left me feeling unsatisfied, the amount and duration, notwithstanding. At best, it was a few rungs above self-abuse, which every guy knows doesn’t really satisfy either. Satisfaction-wise, casual sex is a distant second to wild monkey sex.

A Body Roadmap
And there’s the familiarity factor, knowing what makes your partner monkey wild, that isn’t possible in casual sex. I know my partner’s body down to the last freckle, and since we’re in love, we make each other’s sexual pleasure tantamount. Casual sex is generally more selfish and self-centered.

Explosive Sex
Pleasure-wise, there’s a world of difference between getting it on just to get off, and getting it on to make your partner’s sexual world spin blissfully out of control. The incentive to make that a reality is driven by the love you feel for that person. The difference is a deep desire to make their world explode with intense pleasure, knowing they’ll make yours explode too, and out of love, not obligation. Fantasies aren’t going to become realities with a partner we don’t know and love. So wild monkey sex remains out of reach. And, you can’t buy wild monkey sex, because sex for money isn’t remotely authentic.

The Ultimate Turn On
Loving sex is wild, uncontrolled, uninhibited, and without rules. Imagine every one of your sexual fantasies becoming a reality, without ever having to ask, simply because your partner loves you, knows exactly what you like, and can’t wait to give it all to you. That’s not ever going to happen with someone who doesn’t love you and trust you. Having my sweetheart whisper “I love you”, while being sexual, arouses me way more than a casual sex partner screaming, “don’t stop, don’t stop,” ever did.

Dating in the Digital Age
New rules for romance
by: Ken Solin | from: AARP

Even if you’re new to dating after a long-term relationship, you probably know that the world of dating has changed with technology. While websites such as AARP Dating are digital, navigating them requires minimal technical skills. You won’t need your kids to help you post your online profile, write emails or text, and you’ve been using the phone since you could talk. The challenge is to know which digital device to use, and when. Relax. It’s simple.

The world of dating has changed with technology. The challenge is to know which digital device to use, and when.

The rules

The first rule of digital dating is that there are no rules. But, for those over 50, wasting precious time playing dating games is shortsighted. We’re too seasoned and smart to resort to the level of grade school note passing. Counting how many days between when you met someone you liked online and calling feels cumbersome and unnatural.

What’s next?

Email tag wears me out. After a couple of emails, assuming there’s mutual interest, a phone number exchange is appropriate. Trust is important to everyone, but in terms of safety, men have the physical advantage. In order to make a woman feel safer, I offer my phone number first. That affords a woman some measure of comfort. I have nothing to hide, so giving out my number is a no-brainer. Remember, no games.

Telephones still work best

Get on the phone and be your authentic self. That way, you won’t feel the burden of living up to an image that isn’t really you. Talking on the phone won’t be exciting most of the time, but when it is, your heart will soar with optimism. Don’t be shy about moving quickly or appearing desperate. Dating works best with integrity, and it’s okay to express honest enthusiasm. If I find a woman’s profile irresistible, I tell her so, and when I have, the response has always been warm. Ten minutes on the phone can tell you more than a month of emailing. Over-50 dating requires the courage to do what feels right.

Texting is tiresome

Texting and dating don’t work well together, and unless you’re a bored and lonely teenager, text dating is impersonal and frustrating. Hitting the correct letters on a tiny digital keypad is crazy making. But texting should be limited for other reasons. I never ask anyone out via text, and frankly, I can’t imagine anyone over 50 who believes that’s appropriate. Be brave, take a chance and call. A brief thank you via text after a date is okay. Just because the digital age is impersonal doesn’t mean that you have to act impersonally. Texting should be used sparingly.

Facebook

While Facebook is a terrific opportunity, using it to date is risky. Having your dirty laundry aired in public is one risk. Unless you want every person on the planet to know your personal business, don’t date on Facebook. And please, don’t post anything on Facebook about anyone you dated. That makes you appear petty. Give a potential date your Facebook link if you want to share photos. I don’t use Facebook for dating. I prefer a more personal approach.

Cyberspace is chilly

Cyberspace isn’t warm and fuzzy. Talking on the phone and meeting for coffee can offer that comfort. You needn’t rely exclusively on digital devices to navigate the dating world. Follow your heart, rather than the instructions that came with your digital device.

First, write your profile. Your story is key to finding someone special
by: Ken Solin | from: AARP |

Whether you’re newly single and a bit rusty, or you have been dating for a while, you probably joined a dating website hoping to meet someone special. As an experienced online dater, I know it works. I also know that an appealing profile is critical.

So how do you make yourself appealing? Start fresh. Do not use a favorite old photo and a bio from a previous online attempt; that’s not smart online dating.

How do you make yourself appealing in an online dating profile? Be the person you want to meet.

Professional photographs aren’t necessary, but posting a cellphone photo taken at arm’s length isn’t cool, and using an old photo never makes for a pleasant surprise when you meet a date. Have a friend take photos, and don’t wear sunglasses or a hat, or stand in shadows. Headshots work, but a potential date also wants to see the rest of you. And smile. Your picture is the first item on your menu. Think appetizing.

Do the Work

A profile that consistently states”I’ll tell you later” rather than supplying answers to relevant questions is frequently passed by, no matter how good-looking the person in the photograph. It suggests a lack of interest in the whole dating process. And a photo without an accompanying detailed story is likely to preclude anyone from selecting you thoughtfully. Less is not more.

Attention to Detail

While I notice a woman’s photo first, I also enjoy reading her story describing her 50-plus years of living and loving life. The better written and complete, the more appealing the story is. Can’t write well? Get help from a friend or coworker who can. And there’s no excuse for spelling or grammatical errors. Be noticed for the right reasons.

What to Limit

Your political attitude, while valid, need not be intolerant. Stating you aren’t interested in someone with political views 180 degrees different from yours is fine, but adding that you find the view repugnant is over the top. Insisting that a potential date be fit and in shape is fair, if you’re fit and in shape. While opposites may attract, my dating experience jibes with nearly every expert’s advice: Such relationships rarely work. Differences become bigger, not smaller. The more you have in common, the better, really.

Open Hearts and Minds

You go to the head of the line when your profile displays an open heart and an interest in personal growth. A positive, wholesome attitude reflects good self-esteem, and youthful enthusiasm suggests that age is just a number for you. Be the person you want to meet.

Your Passions

Express your passions as activities you’d like to share. If you’re a skier, and mention you have a ski rental, you’ll attract passionate skiers. If exercise is an important part of your life and a physically active partner is a must, suggest hiking, bicycling, tennis or a long walk in the country as possible activities. Suggest a picnic afterward. Think romantic. Be irresistible.

Whether your passion is sailing, going to concerts, taking road trips, cooking, dancing, attending sporting events, motorcycling, playing an instrument, singing or engaging in any other activity that makes you smile when you talk about it, write about that passion in a manner reflecting how it would feel to share it with someone special. Be inclusive.

Travel

Instead of listing every place you’ve visited, pick a favorite and shoot an imaginary film of it with someone special. Paris is my favorite. My movie is strolling arm in arm with a sweetheart along the tree-lined Seine on a sunny spring morning, the Musee d’Orsay Impressionists, a late lunch at a sidewalk cafe and an afternoon of lovemaking. This is an ideal opportunity to script your perfect fantasy. Don’t hold back. You’ll make the right person smile. Sharing the details over coffee is even more fun.

Last But Not Least

No one is universally desirable, but if you present yourself thoughtfully, your odds for success increase exponentially. Your soul mate is a mouse click away. A smart, creative profile stands out. Give it the time and attention it deserves.