Ken Solin

Ken Solin is a men’s activist and author, most recently, of “Act Like A Man.” The book’s title is a play on the directive thrown at men from the time they’re boys. “It’s hard to get men and their emotions in the same room at the same time,” says Solin. “And it’s harder for men to connect to their feelings than it is for women. Women start talking to each other when they’re little girls. Men compete.” The result is a disconnect between men’s hearts and minds and an emotional gridlock with women.

“Act Like a Man” delves into this complex turf and profiles eight different men in a men’s group, their often painful life stories, and their struggles to move beyond their personal issues and roadblocks with the help of other men. Solin’s raw and honest account of his own life is woven into a mix that covers a lot of ground, from love, sex, marriage, divorce, fatherhood and friendship to violence, abuse, even death.

For the last 20 years, Solin has committed himself to helping men reconnect to what he calls their “absolute truths.” I recently spoke with him from his home in Northern California.

You are a king of men’s groups.

I’ve been doing this for 20 years. Some guys can’t get past their egos, but the overwhelming majority of men love doing this because it changes their lives. Every single woman I’ve ever met who is a wife or a girlfriend of a guy who went into one of these men’s groups, they all said the same thing: their relationships improved markedly. It was a huge change, and the change had to do with inclusion of emotional dialogue.

Do men feel safer sharing their emotional truths with men rather than with women?

Oh absolutely. I don’t think there’s any guy in America who doesn’t know that if he gets on the same emotional playing field with a woman, he’s going to be at an enormous disadvantage, because women are much more skilled at holding up their end of an emotional dialogue. When men sit with other men, they start to understand that there’s nothing unique about their situation. And they can hear, on an emotional level, how men have handled things. There’s a great sense of healing that begins.

I was a rage-aholic guy my whole life, into my early 40s. All of my relationships with women ended for the most part within three to six months. I didn’t have any close men friends, because who wants to be close to guy like that? I had no control over my anger. I didn’t even know why I was so angry because I’d stuffed that boyhood story so deep that I put it out of my head. And that’s what men do with their pain. They stuff it down in that special place that men reserve for pain. They think that if they stuff it down, it goes away. Men have to understand that it never goes away. It effects your life every single day, whether it’s anger or inability to connect with other men or raise your children. Most of this goes back to the pain that we’ve stuffed.

In many cases, men’s groups are more powerful than traditional therapy, because therapists don’t share their own process. Men need help from other men. They need to hear experiential information from other guys. I think a woman who takes on a project like that is in an impossible situation.

Women often believe that they can change men and they take men on as projects.

It’s a fool’s errand. People change because they’re ready to or they want to.

Why do many men have few close men friends?

The biggest issue for men — and the reason they have so few men friends — has to do with trust and fear. They don’t trust each other. Trust and fear go together for men like peanut butter and jelly. They don’t trust other men because they fear that other men are better looking, have more money, a better education, better jobs, better looking girlfriends, bigger dicks — you name it. Guys are always worried that other guys will see them in a diminished light.

Another problem is that these days, a lot of guys are unemployed. This brings up the issue of net worth and self-worth. When a guy loses his job, his self-worth completely disappears, because his entire sense of self-worth is in his wallet. My work helps men understand that if you’re a good man — if you support your wife’s or girlfriend’s hopes and dreams, if you’re a good father and really involved in your kids lives, if you’re doing some kind of community service, if you’re a good friend to other people — that’s where your self-worth will come from as a man, not from your wallet.

Tell me more about why you chose the book title ‘Act Like A Man’?

A boy is told to suck it up and act like a man when he’s physically or emotionally injured. No more crying, be a man. And as grown men, we’re still sucking up our physical and emotional pain. But it doesn’t work any better for men that it did for boys. The screaming woman on the cover symbolizes women’s frustrations with men and their relationship behavior.

Most men would never ever say the things they say to men in front of women. It would inhibit their ability to be open and honest. Men speak from their heads and not their hearts, which doesn’t work in relationships. When a man expresses his feelings, he’s expressing his absolute truth. That’s what women seem to most want from men. And it’s not about being overly emotional. It’s about becoming emotionally aware and in control of one’s emotions. That’s what’s important. Men can teach each other that. It takes enormous courage to sit down with other guys and talk about your life and what’s not working. What’s wimpy is when you inflict your issues on other people because you just don’t have the courage to work on changing your behavior.

If a woman wants a guy to share how he’s feeling, she has to be prepared to hear his absolute truth, which may not be what she wants to hear. You need to honor men who are willing to do that. Men are absolutely capable of holding up their end of the emotional dialogue in a relationship. But if a woman comes back at him and attacks him for it, it’s going to be the last conversation they’ll ever have.

You talk about men who are lone wolves. Why should women be wary of them?

Because a woman will become that guy’s entire social universe. And that’s a heavy burden for any woman to carry. The second reason is that lots of loners have trust issues with other men and women. Dealing with a guy’s trust issues puts another layer of burden on women.

Why do many men immediately look for another relationship on the coattails of a failed one?

Many men don’t take the time to figure out what went wrong in their previous relationship. What could they have done differently? That’s why men’s groups are so powerful. Men who’ve been divorced can share on an emotional level what worked and what didn’t work, and help another guys going through a divorce. Also a lot of men don’t understand the difference between being alone and being lonely. So yes, they tend to remarry at an alarmingly high rate after divorce. And their second marriages tend to fail at a higher rate their first marriages, and their third marriages fail at a higher rate then their first or their second marriages.

Is there a common refrain you hear among women about men?

Women often ask me what’s the most important thing to look for in a guy when you’re starting to date. I always tell them the same thing — to ask him the most important question: Does he have any close male friends? If he doesn’t, you’ve got a problem. You may have a boyfriend, but you’ll have a boyfriend with a problem.

Men’s groups are a huge help and they’re free. They don’t have to cost a dime. There are no more excuses, particularly for the guy who says he can’t afford therapy. There’s no excuse for dysfunctional male behavior. If a woman who meets a guy who’s damaged and he’s willing to talk and be open, it’s not the end of the world. The end of the world is when she meets a guy who’s damaged who has no ability or interest or talking about his issues.

What’s your next big goal?

My goal is to get every man in America to start talking to other men.

One of the most difficult issues I’ve had to face in midlife is letting go of an old friend. I’ve invested considerable time and energy in my men friends over the years, and our support for each other has never wavered. We’ve been there for each other through my devastation of losing a son and their worst times as well. Friendships are forever, right? Apparently not.

Because I don’t take losing a friend casually, I struggled for a few years before finally feeling I had to let Jason go. I was aware that husbands and wives move apart, typically when one outgrows the other emotionally, but I hadn’t considered that friends sometimes outgrow each other, too.

Jason and I met in college and had known each other for four decades. Although we’d lived on opposite sides of the country for most of that time and didn’t see each other much, we frequently talked on the phone.

When I started my men’s group 20 years ago, Jason dismissed it out-of-hand, insisting that men can’t change, especially without the help of a therapist. He was skeptical and unsupportive when I began facing my issues, anger and the inability to sustain intimate relationships. As I worked through my issues with women, he seemed disappointed. He’d always enjoyed my stories about the long line of women and failed relationships I left behind; and it felt like he wanted that screwed-up guy back. The more emotional baggage I shed and the healthier and happier I became, the more he distanced himself. Frankly, I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t pleased for me. I’d cheered all his successes, but Jason clearly wasn’t cheering mine.

The last time I mentioned my inner work, Jason’s comment said everything about how he viewed change and growth. “You’re always reinventing yourself, but I’m still the same guy I’ve been for 40 years.” While I’d been facing down my demons and continue to free myself from them, he still hadn’t opened his Pandora’s box of issues, and was furiously hammering nails into it to keep it closed.

And no wonder. Jason had major issues. He’d been too terrified to get on a plane for decades, was a hypochondriac, controlled his adult children, was generally miserable, and seemed more afraid of living than dying.

As my friendships with other men deepened, he insisted he didn’t need friends. When I asked him who he talked with regularly about his life, he flippantly replied, “A couple of guys I know on Wall Street.” Pressed to name guys other than business relationships, he said nastily, “No one. I don’t need anyone and I’m bored listening to you talk about how important friends are.” As his only long-time friend, all I could say was, “Ouch!”

I wanted to hang in with Jason and urged him to consider working toward changing his life. I was living proof that men can change — an angry man who learned to control his rage, a loner who found the courage to trust other men, a relationship failure who finally discovered how to open his heart to a woman. But Jason dismissed all that. His refusal to change wasn’t being steady; it was being stubborn — especially since his life wasn’t working.

The last time I talked with him was when, after 25 years of not being able to commit to a woman, I was getting married. In response, he yelled at me, insisting that I was making a mistake — even though he’d never met my fiancé — and that I should live with her instead of marrying her. He treated me like a teenage boy and became so obnoxious and ungracious about one of the happiest events in my life, that I felt compelled to say good-bye. A friend doesn’t rain on a friend’s parade, ever.

All Jason had to offer me was unsolicited advice — no support, no joy. He was stuck in a time warp, wanting to keep me where I was because my growth made him uncomfortable. Not supporting a friend’s growth is the worst insult you can hurl at him — and it marked the end of our friendship.

Still, leaving him behind hurt because we shared a lot of history. Letting go is painful. But sometimes friends outgrow each other, and sometimes there’s no alternative.

Look around you the next time you’re in town or at the mall. Do you see any obese, old men? You won’t, because they’re all dead. That fact alone ought to convince you to get — and stay — in shape. For midlifers in particular, exercise is necessary to help ensure your quantity, as well as quality, of life.

I’m 66, and in the best shape I can remember. At 153 pounds, I feel as good as I did in my 40s and I’m wearing 30-waist jeans. I used to nap in the afternoon, but no longer feel tired. My mental energy has also increased. I left my last annual physical, totally stoked because all my health indicator numbers were perfect. And I’m enjoying life and looking forward to attending my seven-year-old grandson’s college graduation, down the road.

I’ve been exercising regularly for a quarter of a century now, changing my program to suit my age and lifestyle. I live in Marin County, California, where it seems like there are more in-shape men and women than anywhere except Brazil, so the motivation to get in shape was all around me. Even so, there are days when inertia feels harder to break than a sweat, and while I shoot for exercising seven days a week, I settle for six.

When I was in my 40s, I was single and mostly concerned about remaining attractive to women, and my ego drove me to the gym four or five days a week to climb the Stairmaster and use the Nautilus equipment. At 5’8″ and 160 pounds, I was in shape physically, but fat and flabby emotionally. I realized that I needed more than an in-shape body to create a good relationship with a woman and started a men’s group to work off the emotional fat.

In my 50s, I was still dealing with emotional issues and playing the dating field, and working out became about fighting the aging process. My body started wanting to let go and puddle in front of the television, and holding the line was becoming more difficult, partly because I wasn’t yet willing to make any dietary sacrifices.

In my 60s, I faltered a bit, and the results were predictable. I gained 15 pounds. I still tried to keep up the program by hiking with my dog on the mountain near my home but was losing motivation. The impetus to get back in the fitness game came from my wife, whom I met four years ago. She was close to my age, a former ballerina who’d been exercising regularly all her life. I only had to mention exercising, and she was dressed and ready to go. Even better, she was working on her emotional issues, too. Staying fit wasn’t about my ego any longer — it was about the health of my body and my marriage.

I began hiking up the mountain every morning with my wife and our two dogs — 40 minutes straight up and 20 minutes down. My weight fell to 160, but my body didn’t feel tight or toned. So I bought a set of adjustable dumbbells — I love that word — and began pumping iron while watching the news three days a week. I increased the weight every four to six weeks, and added 120 crunches to each workout. My strength increased noticeably in a few months, and my body grew leaner and harder. I feel like a much younger man and, while my libido isn’t as strong as it was in my 40s, it’s still powerful.

I also changed my diet significantly — fewer carbs, no processed foods, lots of protein, and unlimited quantities of fruits and vegetables. I satisfy my occasional carb craving with a pizza or a meatball hero, but my twice-a-year hot-fudge sundae with peppermint-stick ice cream is my favorite cheat treat.

If you’re not sure whether or not you’re overweight, forget BMI indexes and height-weight charts. Get naked, stand up straight with your feet close together and look down. If all you see are your toes — or worse, just the floor — you might want to get your body in motion. Even if you have to slap yourself around a bit, get off your couch and into the gym or some place you can burn calories and get a good cardio workout. If you don’t want to join a gym, buy an inexpensive set of weights and start lifting. .

I can’t promise you’ll live longer, but you’ll definitely feel better, especially when you give a stack of your dad jeans, to Goodwill. Your wife or girlfriend will love the new you and she’ll respect the mental and physical effort you’re making.

And don’t let your emotional fitness slide. Join a men’s group — or start your own — and do the work that will help you get rid of the emotional love handles you’ve been carrying around for years.

My new book, Act Like a Man, gives you a front-row view of what that looked like for eight guys who’ve been doing the work together for over two decades. As one reviewer said, “It’s a reality show in a book.”