From infancy to adulthood, few males are transformed into men without baggage, and most of that baggage arrives from the mixed up perceptions of males, and how they should conduct themselves, or having the traits that are uniquely male. As a recipe for failure, nothing could be much worse than to create the flock of sheep that most men identify as maleness.

As to whether males need for services of focusing upon male behavior, a look around any TV station, or political arena, should provide more than enough evidence that men are in as much trouble as women in what attitudes are acceptable in society, and which are not. Gender has never been so confused.

Overcompensating males are as prevalent as overcompensating females, and in fact, that might be the brand of gender conflict today. And, of course, that doesn’t include the persons behind the camera who created the “character” depicting the confusing or flawed behavior. Some of the best rated programs are undoubtedly the worst, perhaps to get ratings?

If men are disinclined to watch their speech around children, they most likely are disinclined to watch their behavior also. And that problem may be a central reason for most of the culture conflict that produces bullies, improvident bosses, lack of courtesy, lack of confidence, and even contribute to the conflicts that cause criminal behavior of boys by showing them how to be overly aggressive, or give into those aggressive tendencies. Boys mimic as do girls; but few are mimicing the opposite gender in their search for expressive identity.

If men love freedom, would they teach other men how to be free (which, in theory, shows them the respectable behavior to expect, cultivate, and demand from others, by example?

There are several indications that this is still not done by men despite the constant nagging of women to do so (throughout history). Men are still not getting the message that they are what they create, and they are their brother’s keeper in that respect because males often reflect the behavior of other men they are in the company of at any given time and circumstance.

Presuming that male peer pressure is as vital to males as it is to females, preemptive action in the form of training boys can drastically alter how males act and how they are treated in return, whether with males or females. Since so much depends upon the culture of the environment they are in, individual altering of male mental health through identity research could be much more useful and self serving to obtain that respect they all want and deserve.

It should be obvious, at this point, that women are unrelentless in their forgiveness of male behavior, but that does not mean they accept or tolerate any behavior offered that is supposed to pass for good male behavior, or “maleness.”

Most males, in fact, are caught somewhere between “animal gorilla behavior” (when untrained), and only marginally effective with other males or females at best. Charisma is very difficult to come by in males in part due to the criteria of having to mimic most other male behavior they see, like gerbils on a wheel, with little thought to male independence or self esteem. Perhaps because of the military?, men are more subject to the system of disturbed male syndrome through which most of the identity aggression is expressed, and all of the bullies mimic as if it was its own typecast. Good male role models simply don’t exist owing to the lack of consideration about the impact of male behavior upon each other to begin with, or the desire to alter the norms of what passes for maleness.

Good luck with your work.

Still, even in “leaderless” groups, there is a risk that some personalities can come to dominate others, and that is a problem that must be acknowledged and dealt with.

The socially accepted norm for many years, in America anyway (though it has been different many times in the past, in other cultures, and in other countries), was that men didn’t have feelings and therefore weren’t allowed to show any emotion that could be seen as a weakness. Some men have been bullied by this misguided notion from early childhood, sometimes from parents as well as other figures of authority and of course their peers, into having severe trouble dealing with their emotions in a healthy manner. Many of them may want to change and hopefully will find solutions but the change is now so much harder because they’re adults and the world doesn’t change overnight nor does it change everywhere at the same time.

For that matter, not all women are capable of handling their emotions. There are those who try to bottle it all up and hide it behind a facade of a smiling face until it becomes too much. Sometimes a therapist is necessary in either case.

In general, I am all for removing the horrible notion that “real men” shouldn’t be allowed to cry. However, I believe that the source of the problem can come from multiple sources as it has to be reinforced by a society on the whole for it to gain such massive ground. No man lives in a vacuum.

Thanks Ken..I’ve enjoyed reading some of your work. I am curious why almost everything I read on this topic is how women can help men reveal their feelings as if releasing your feelings or letting them out is some Holy Grail of relationship success. This is usually the part where the words “repressed” male get thrown around. Why doesn’t someone right an article…”How Men Can Help Women Not Be So Darn Emotional and Keep Their Shit Together?” I consider myself a deeply emotional man. I’ve gone to many marriage workshops gladly with my wife and almost everyone the men immediately get the message that progress will be measured on how well you men can move into your feminine side. The therapist never turns to the crying wife and says “hey, really that’s not necessary? come on? it’s just a manipulation technique.” The minute a woman begins to cry – the “hands off” sign goes up…can’t confront her…she’s crying and thus what she is saying and feeling must be more important than her non-crying husband sitting next to her because he’s not crying. I’m a guy. I don’t want to be a women. I love my wife. She is an emotional Greek woman who I love dearly. I love her fire and chaotic energy. But rarely is her emotional expression even a close glimpse of reality. I’ve learned I need to weather the storm and when it’s over, we may get a glimpse of what the real issue is. I have to wait and patiently work through all the emotions until we get to reality as opposed to the reality created out of emotion which men run around chasing like pin the tail on donkey only to find that it was just an exercise in futility.

Get a group of women together and ask about men being emotional. The reality is that they’re not that interested. Women want to be taken care of … yup …throw the hate mail my way. They want financial security, a male who can provide, and produce children (some). This discussion won’t move on until women admit that to themselves which we already know and then we can build authentic relationships.

Warmly,

Jeff