Comments for Ken Solin

Comment on Men absolutely need help, but absolutely not from women by Ken

Ken — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 10:18:51 +0000

Ken

Just wanted to write and let you know how much I enjoy the blog. I read other sites and blogs on men’s issues pretty regularly and recently discovered yours.

I imagine that when you write a blog you must often wonder whether anyone is truly listening and engaged.

Just wanted to take the time to let you know how much I appreciate the tone, insights and even the honest expression of struggles that I find here.

Comment on Men who “get it” by kensolin

kensolin — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 17:36:10 +0000

Gabriel:
You are a particularly articulate and conscious young man. Your awareness of your behavior in your relationship with your girlfriend is the first step towards making it work. Keep in mind that however shy your girlfriend is, she still has to carry her weight in the relationship. No one can make any relationship work on his own.
Your aunt seems like a wonderful choice for you to talk with, but you won’t get the male perspective from her. That’s why I strongly suggest you find a few other like minded young men and begin meeting regularly to talk about your lives.
You have discovered early on that family relationships are perhaps the most difficult, probably because of the sense of “obligation” that so many families invoke to get all the family members to comply with their wishes.
If you can find a way to get your brother to open up, that would be helpful, mostly for him. If not, consider that while he’s your brother, he’s not your responsibility.
Every man has to shoulder the burden that is making his way in life. My philosophy after 18 years working with men in my men’s group, is that talking it out honestly and openly and without ego is the best way to resolve issues.
Keep in touch Gabriel. You are already on a good path, simply because you recognize what your issues are and are willing to confront them. You’re right to be picky regarding who you share your issues with.
best,
Ken

Comment on Men who “get it” by Gabriel

Gabriel — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 00:36:18 +0000

Thank you for your kind reply! Reading thru your website makes me start to examine the relationships around me. As I’m quite self-contained for a person, I don’t really keep that many acquaitances, but there are two boys that I feel I could have shared a deeper connection with. Perhaps I’m one of the luckier kids around, as I have an auntie who I can talk about almost anything with, fear, anger, doubts, whatsnot. The thing that sort of striked me is that although I always have a good time around these two guys, we never ever talked about our own lives except the common part which we obviously share. We never brought up anything about how we’re doing with girls, feeling successful or defeated at work, and we never portrait how we feel right at the moment to each other. Our (online) conversation is stylized, and doesn’t get past the narrow range of “socially accepted stuff to say”. I’d really like to attempt to create a more intimate relationship with them – akin to how I can open up to my auntie, or at least try something outside that “thought boundary” that I’ve been unaware of.

There’s one girl that I really enjoy company with. But I feel that I haven’t been considerate enough toward her — in your words, I haven’t been saying what’s the most heartfelt, nor paying enough attention to what she wants (but often more-than-enough attention to what I fear). Our relationship suffers from the same sort of stylized conversation, though to a lesser extent. I do think there’s a lot to improve, at least on my part. She’s sort of a shy girl, at times it might be a little hard with limited feedback; but I guess it just takes a little more consideration on my part, and a little care so as to not just saying what I want to say before I think about how she would feel.

And then there’s my younger brother. To me he’s kind of the toughest one around — having shared each other’s most painful memories, I find it almost impossible to talk about anything meaningful with him. He has a deep fear of me appearing “socially awkward”. It almost seems that there’s no one lonelier than him, yet I’m completely at lost when it comes to approaching him. We could barely talk, and after all these years (I’m 22 and he’s 18) we hardly know each others’ lives. After he comes to stay with us for a while, I always joked with just about everyone else about how hard it is to be living with him again. I don’t think I even believe that it’s possible to change anything anymore, so only in a numb state of mind I might think, “wouldn’t it be nice if this weren’t the case?”

Comment on Men who “get it” by kensolin

kensolin — Sun, 04 Jul 2010 23:05:12 +0000

Gabriel:
Thank you for taking time to email me with your kind comments. I read your comments with great interest and empathy. Indeed, I was in your camp about men until I was in my 40’s. Men frightened me too, especially since I incorrectly felt that most were more together than I was. In fact, most men fear other men, no matter how “together” they present themselves.
The “bad” feelings that come up around your history with men and reliving painful episodes from your youth can in fact be dealt with and turned into something positive. What it involves is sitting down with half dozen other men who are all interested in working through their issues, and have honest, open dialogue with absolutely no judgment or advice given. When men share their experiences instead of offering gratuitous advice, the information is powerful and not at all intimidating. The words, “you should” ought never be the first words when a man offers his help.
My men’s group has been meeting for 18 years now and what I know with absolute certainty is that men can help heal other men’s emotional wounds. While it’s difficult to talk about at first, given time and several attempts I strongly believe your pain will lessen and that your healing process will begin. It’s about emotional growth Gabriel. Considering that it took however long you’ve been alive to build the walls around your feelings to protect yourself, it is likely to take some amount of concerted effort to move beyond your fear and pain. But I guaranty you that if you make the effort you will begin to feel the benefits quickly. And, you will feel much better about who you are as a man.
If you are hanging out with other men who are, in your words, “not true friends”, then perhaps you might want to separate from them and find men who are more interested in doing the work of becoming better men than showing their fear by being scary.
My relationships with other men have changed my life because they’ve helped me resolve the painful issues from my youth that plagued me for so long . While I didn’t have any close friends before I began meeting with other men, I now have many who I can call for help at any time. Relationships with women can improve enormously too, once you discover the difference between speaking from your heart and speaking from your head. When you become focused on beginning your statements with what you feel, instead of what you think, you will be on a path for healing and growth, and your relationships with women will take on a new paradigm.
If you can’t find a men’s group, think about starting your own. I know it can seem like a daunting task, but in truth, it’s quite simple and easy.
What I can tell you without hesitation is that you need other like-minded men in your life. Here are some of the issues we’ve discussed over the years. sex and sexuality, relationships, intimacy, misogyny, friendship, net worth versus self worth, fathers, and our childhoods. I have met very few men since I began publicly speaking about men and their issues who have any authentic friends. Most men live their lone wolf lives in an emotional vacuum, which is suffocating at best.
Please feel free to keep in contact Gabriel. My book about my experience with my men’s group should be out in 2011, but in the meanwhile, let me know how I might help you in the interim.
best,
Ken

Comment on Men who “get it” by Gabriel

Gabriel — Sun, 04 Jul 2010 21:07:32 +0000

It’s really nice to see someone write something about an issue so deep throughout my lifetime.

“I had to see myself without the past labels that were slapped on me at an early age and had stuck with me for so long.”

For years I’ve been a rebel and an escapist; the parental and societal expectations towards being a men made me take on a men-hating point of view. Through my life, the previous generation’s men made me feel distant and insecure, while at least some of the women welcomed me with open arms as a kid. I’ve pondered about why men seem to born inferior, a situation which the society wants to create, and thought about if I can enclose my life to defy those expectations — I wanted to be as exuberant and amicable as how the society expects women to be.

To my fixated mind, “Be A Man” sounds like something wretched. It is of the exact family of phrases that form the basis of the abuse of more socially-successful men toward the less. The expressed idea is either rejection, as in “you’re on your own”; humiliation, as in “don’t you chicken out”; sexism and prejudice, as in “take the beating since you’re the male here”; or a sort of tease from his peer in an effort to get him to over-drink. A positive meaning of “Be a man” or “Act like a man” is practically unheard of, at least not before I read this article.

What you have here does sound really promising. But does a guy have to know lots of other people to have a chance of, you know, meeting one that can be a close friend? I certainly have guys that I’ve known for years – but we all fell out of contact. The reason of this is, indeed, at a certain level of understanding, we found each other a scary person who we better just leave alone. The amount of fear is such that even a single word can make me relive the childhood scene of being scolded by older males (at times females), and there’s really no way I could see a true “friend” in all these guys I know.

To me, guys are still like wacky, egotistic creatures who are always too ready to lash out. And unfortunately, this is the group that I belong to.

Comment on 8, forty year old men=320 years of collective male wisdom by kensolin

kensolin — Fri, 21 May 2010 21:10:44 +0000

Hi David
Thanks for the compliment. The ground rule that my group put in place when we began 18 years ago was that our purpose was to listen to each other with open minds and hearts, and without judgment. That took a while to sink in. Men seem to want to fix things for each other in the same manner they do with women.
Each man was encouraged to share his issues, and with few exceptions, all did. It took several months of coaxing to get a few guys to open up, but once they felt it was safe, in terms of not being judged or given gratuitous advice, they dug into their psyches.
I have written a book about my experience in my group which will be published in 2011. My hope is that it will wake lots of men up to the possibilities. Too many of us accept our emotional vacuum lives as normal. It’s not and my work is to convince men of that. Men can do much better for themselves by giving up their lone wolf lives. It is other men who can help a man heal.
Thanks for writing. Please let me know if there are issues you would like me to address.
Best,
Ken Solin

Comment on 8, forty year old men=320 years of collective male wisdom by David Jones

David Jones — Fri, 21 May 2010 20:58:46 +0000

Hi Ken,

Very good article, and I agree wholeheartedly with what you say about sharing your mistakes with other men. I’m curious how you get men to take that first step. I’ve gotten men in a room and told them my mistakes, but very few would admit that they also struggled with the same issues.

Thanks!

David

Comment on A woman defines male courage by kensolin

kensolin — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 15:58:08 +0000

thanks for your support. If there are any male issues you would like me to address, please let me know. I will have a book out in 2011 about my 18 year experience in my men’s group. thanks again for your message.
Ken

Comment on A woman defines male courage by Spuds

Spuds — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 04:23:40 +0000

Men have been taught that to act manly means to act like a bully, or a cad. There is honor and nobility in being a man. My dad set me out on the right course at an early age and I learned the art of Manhood from some of the most honorable and selfless heroes all around the world. It’s time for men to stop being portrayed as buffoons and comic relief in the households and to start ‘being men’.

I look forward to reading more of your work!