Ken Solin

Men rarely show up, emotionally, relegating women to compete for the few who know that in the tech age emotionally savvy guys are the new musclemen. For the rest, relationships remain a flabby mismatch. Just as physical flab indicates physical laziness, emotional flab suggests emotional laziness. Men have no training in the emotional arena, which means that they are either going to face up to their shortcomings, or continue to lag behind women.

One-sided relationships, one in which only one partner is emotionally savvy, never move to a higher level of intimacy. Absent deepening intimacy, relationships stagnate, and like a stagnant pond, begin to smell of decay. Not a very pretty image, but an appropriate one.

The old masculinity died with the start of The Industrial Revolution, 150 years ago, creating a vacuum in which boys never become men, and men behave like boys. There’s no balance between macho and wimpy. Men who lean too heavily on their emotions become sobbing basket cases. They are no more desirable than men who are completely out of touch with their feelings. So where’s the balance?

Women no longer seem willing to ignore men’s dysfunctional behavior. While they are rapidly evolving in business, medicine, and government, men are devolving. Men are lost, and women are frustrated because, for lack of a better term, amateur men, are unable or unwilling to meet their relationship needs.

Men are going to have to ramp up their game, just to catch-up to women on an emotional level. In practical terms, that means men have to stop being afraid of their feelings and learn to understand and control them. An angry guy becomes tedious and exhausting, and strains a relationship to the breaking point quickly.  Unless, or until he can figure out why he’s angry, and begin to work through his issue, a woman shouldn’t feel responsible for moving on without him.

It might help if men could watch other men on television in particular, behaving appropriately. Sadly, the men on television are the opposite. They’re shown to be stupid, foolish, and incapable of acting like men who set the bar higher. I suppose some people find that guy funny. I don’t, and I doubt most women do either.

Alternatively, men in public life have set an even worse example. Every male politician who lies to the public becomes just another man who can’t be trusted. Every thieving businessman suggests that men are not trustworthy. Every male celebrity who ends up in rehab suggests men can’t even take care of themselves, let alone a woman in a relationship.

So where are the good guys? Where are the men who are making a difference because they’re making an effort to relate to women, emotionally? One place to find men on the right path is in small, confidential men’s groups. There aren’t a lot of these men, yet, but their numbers are growing. I’ve been working with men in small groups for over twenty years, and in that time, every single man who dug deep and faced his issues, was able to overcome them, in time.

Men carry a tremendous amount of fear around with them, and it acts like an anchor. It’s heavy and severely limits a man’s maneuverability. Fear of not making enough money, of looking less manly, of being betrayed, of failing in career, of being unemployed, and last, but not least, of other men, all contribute to a dysfunctional man whose behavior reflects fear more than anything else.

An evolving man is one who understands his emotional shortcomings and works to overcome them. He understands that absent getting on top of his emotions and taking control of them, he will remain a victim of his emotions. When a man challenges his emotional issues by talking about them with other men, he begins the process of leaving them behind, like any excess baggage. Once he lightens his emotional load, he’s better prepared to work with his partner to deepen the intimacy in their relationship.

Women are drawn to his authentic power, because he wields his newly developed emotional strength with dignity and fairness. Other men want to emulate him, because he represents the new male paradigm; confident, courageous, emotionally strong, and with a clear sense of cultural position.

Do men’s groups really make that much of a difference? More than I could ever explain. I was an angry guy who raged in every relationship I was ever in, until I began my men’s group two decades ago. I talked about my anger and received helpful feedback from other men who had overcome their anger. I haven’t raged for years, and when I got married four years ago, I was grateful for the help I got from other, like-minded men. I never could have married if I was still wielding my anger like a weapon.

Individual therapy is always an option, but a better one, for most issues men face, is working those issues out with the help from other men. Once a man faces his biggest fear, fear of other men, change begins. There is no judgment, advice, or opinions offered in men’s groups. Men share their experiences instead, what they did that worked, and what they did that didn’t work. A woman’s support can make the difference between whether or not a man chooses the right path.

When a woman tells her man, “You know what’s wrong with you, I just know what you could be if you tried harder, or, you know what your problem is” there are two possibilities. Ignoring for the moment that this is the worst possible way for a woman to reach a man, the first possibility is that a woman sees some potential, positive aspect of her guy that’s untapped.  The second, of course, is intended to hurt him by implying he’s not up to her standard. I prefer to discuss the first since I believe in relationships and frequently write about the best possibilities for guaranteeing their success.

My twenty years working with men, coupled with my own experiences, have taught me that it isn’t unusual for a woman who loves a man to want to help him be his best. It’s often easier to see something good in a man he doesn’t necessarily see himself. My wife is also my best friend, and when it comes to sharing her feelings about me, I always try to appreciate that what she tells me comes from her heart and is intended to help me. We work on our friendship by sharing our visions about each other in a manner we can both hear. Sometimes we stumble, but we notice when the other person is resisting, and we figure out how to say what we want, in a way the other person can hear it better.

Maybe that’s the hardest part. Men don’t believe that what their wives and girlfriends suggest to them comes from a loving place, if it doesn’t feel like it did. The male ego is resilient, but tends to shut down when pushed too hard. So how can women best reach their men in terms of helping them realize some untapped potential?

A man’s inner hero, a term I use to describe his best impression of the man he’d like to be, is the man he sees in his mind’s eye when he daydreams. The picture is clear, and most men do have some higher vision of themselves. Every man wants to be a hero, and most daydream about him. The path towards actualizing his inner hero is unclear. What women see as the best potential in their men is actually his inner hero. A woman can help her man transform his daydream into a reality.

One suggestion about how to share your inner hero vision of your man is to begin with, “If it’s okay with you, I’d like to share something potentially wonderful I’ve noticed about you?” Of course, your tone of voice matters as much as what you say, so you don’t want to make your vision sound like a lecture, or you’ve lost him before you start.

Make your observation in as few words as possible, and whatever you do, never repeat yourself. Men hate when they’re being told something and it’s repeated as if they’re children. After he’s given his permission for you to share what you’ve noticed, it might look something like this. “When you spend time with the kids and you’re focused and patient with them, I’ve noticed they just adore you. I can see in their faces how much they look up to you and love you. Have you noticed that too?”

What man doesn’t want to be a great dad? And, you’re telling him something positive about himself. You’re not tearing him down, but rather, you’re building him up. This isn’t about tricking men, because that’s demeaning. It’s about emphasizing some positive aspect of him that he might want to expand on if it’s shared in an appropriate manner.

Another example guarantied to get positive results might be. “I really feel how much you love me when you hold me in your arms and look into my eyes for a few moments before we make love. I love it because I can really feel you’re relating to me emotionally, and you look handsome when your face reflects your love.”

You’re not telling him anything but the truth, and he can hear it because it’s positive and meant to build him up. Relationships are all about communication. No one would argue with that. Learning how to communicate better works for both partners and since we all want to be in great relationships, we should all be willing to learn better ways to communicate.

Try this simple communication style the next time you want your man to see his greatest, but untapped asset. Remember, it’s not only the message, but how that message is delivered and perceived. It’s also about being polite and respectful with someone you love. Ask for permission, and then deliver a message that sounds like it came from your heart. You might be surprised how well it works. Just because we’re men and sometimes struggle trying to talk about our feelings, doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings.

Incidentally, this applies equally to men when they want to help their women. There’s no double standard when it comes to relationship communication.

Okay, you’ve been dating a guy and you really like him, but something’s missing. You know what you need from a man to sustain a long-term relationship. It’s been a few months, sex is terrific, he’s considerate, and he’s even okay with your cat. What’s missing?

What’s likely missing is the dialogue around emotional intimacy. Every time you ask him how he feels about you or your relationship, he tells you what he thinks. Men and women speak different languages in relationships. I’m a guy, and I know, but after working with men for twenty years, I also know that men can engage in emotional dialogue. Think of this a teachable moment. If you’re willing to help him, he will quickly be able to hold up his end of the conversation.

Why would a man be willing to learn to learn to speak from his heart? After all, everyone knows that men don’t like to talk about their feelings, right? That’s true, until a man realizes that he can get more from you and your relationship when he’s able to tell you how he feels about you. And what man wouldn’t want more from a woman?

Here’s an example. A man tells a woman that he doesn’t think they’re having sex often enough. Her response is that she isn’t feeling sexual. He reiterates he doesn’t think you’re being sexual often enough, and that he doesn’t understand why you don’t get that. The solution isn’t a trick, but rather a language lesson.

You will discover that your man will invest his energy once he understands the benefits. To deepen intimacy,  explain that you love him and enjoy sex with him, but that you need emotional assurance to feel sexual. A woman needs a reason to have sex. A man just needs an opportunity. You can show him what a reason looks like.

Asking him to tell you what’s in his heart is easier if you provide an example. Telling him what’s in your heart first is a good beginning. This is a tough road for a man to travel, but if you’re gentle, loving, and patient, you can help him understand how to access his feelings. A man can hold up his end once he sees that it works for him. Don’t push too hard, because he’ll feel inadequate or foolish, and then you’ve lost him.

If your guy begins a sentence about his feelings for you with “I think”, look into his eyes, smile, and remind him that you already know what he thinks. What you don’t know, and would really love to hear, is how he feels about you and your relationship.

Men know that the emotional playing field isn’t level. What most men don’t know, however, is that they can move from amateur to pro status and level the field easily. Incidentally, age is irrelevant. I’ve seen men from twenty to seventy succeed.

Once a man understands what a woman wants, and he’s figured out that what she wants also works for him, he will become more comfortable and confident speaking from his heart. I’ve seen this scenario play out successfully for twenty years. It’s all about how you approach him regarding emotional intimacy. Remember, gentle, patient, loving.