Ken Solin

Most guys fantasize about performing an act of heroism. When men read about other men who are heroes, they like to see themselves as that man. The opportunity for real acts of heroism don’t come very often, and that’s likely a good thing since the need for a hero implies a disaster.

But there’s another kind of heroism that men often overlook, and that’s sad because this opportunity exists on a daily basis. To be heroic is to save the day for someone else, but it can also mean simply offering another human being your absolute best at a time when that has great meaning to them.

A man who becomes intimately involved in his children’s lives and activities, who volunteers to coach their sports teams, and who takes the time to sit quietly and listens to them, offers his children a hero’s example, because a man who makes time in his own busy life and shows dedicated interest in his kids, becomes their hero. Even young children understand how busy their parents are, so when their father frequently shows up for them, they notice, and in the same manner, when a father doesn’t show up, they notice, too.

I single parented two sons and understood the need to sacrifice my own needs for theirs sometimes. I didn’t always enjoy coaching soccer or baseball, showing up for practice several times a week, but I always knew where my boys were, and they appreciated my participation. When they were grown up and on their own, they told me many times how much they appreciated my involvement in their lives.

But I also knew where to draw the line between my life and theirs. I respected their opinions and choices, and with the exception of prohibiting the use of drugs, I gave them ample room to live their own lives without interference. They both grew up to be wonderful young men. Both volunteered to be soldiers, a Marine and an Airman, and while I never served, I respected their choices and applauded their sense of patriotic purpose.

The roles reverse in time. My sons became my heroes. They embraced my values and I see my involvement in the way my son treats my five year old grandson. This is what heroism is really about, being the best possible father and knowing when to be selfless about it. You don’t have to dream about being a hero one day. You can be a hero every day, simply by setting your absolute best example for your children.

Few men of this generation received any rites of passage—lessons on how to be a man—from our fathers, so knowing how to raise our own sons can be a daunting task. By the time they’re teenagers and struggling with peer pressure while trying to establish their unique place in the world, their fathers are often the last people they want to listen to. Maintaining a voice of loving authority in your son’s life during these tumultuous times can be a real challenge, especially if you haven’t laid the groundwork for a mutually respectful relationship early on.

From the very beginning, make sure your son knows that you love him. Tell him every chance you get. Make yourself vulnerable with him and encourage him to express his feelings with you. And show him your love by being involved in his life. Talk with him and listen to what he has to say. Take an interest in his activities and share your own experiences as a boy. Coach his sports teams or at least attend the games and cheer him on. Instill good values in him by your own example. Actions speak far louder than words, and only by walking the walk can you show your son what it means to be a man.

If you want him to respect your authority and play by your rules, you have to respect his rights as well. Some things are nonnegotiable, for example not lying or stealing, staying away from drugs and alcohol; doing homework and household chores, and behaving respectfully to adults. You should establish penalties for not adhering to those rules and be consistent in exacting them. But give your son a lot of leeway in the things that don’t really matter. His clothes and hairstyle, the music he listens to, how he keeps his room are choices he needs to make to explore who he is apart from you. You don’t have to love his choices, but you do have to love him enough to let him become his own man.

Even if you do, though, when he enters his teens, he’ll probably still rebel and reject everything about you. And that’s as it should be, because he needs to decisively break from you to be able to step out on his own. When that happens, you just have to ride it out, trusting in the strength of your love for him and the bond you’ve forged. And if your son is anything like mine were, when he’s grown, he’ll be grateful for having such a father.

Male anger ranks high on a woman’s short list of relationship issues. Irrational, uncontrolled male anger devastates a woman’s sense of safety and well-being. It is particularly frustrating because the reasons behind the anger and the potential for resolving it are mostly out of her control. Women are not responsible for male raging, no matter how much an angry man insists otherwise. What’s behind male anger? How can men learn to control it? What can women do to help?

What I have gleaned from decades of working with men is that male anger is nearly always linked to painful past events in a man’s life that he mistakenly believes he has resolved simply because he stuffed the pain deep into his psyche and never consciously thought about it again. There is no magic act for making past pain vanish, however; and stuffing it simply keeps it just beneath the surface, where it simmers and is easily triggered.

Failed Relationships

Peter was in our men’s group for several years before he finally told his story which explained everything about his relationship issues. His heart had been shattered by a woman decades before.  Instead of working through his pain when he first felt it, he convinced himself he could simply make it disappear by never thinking about it again. His unresolved heartbreak affected his relationships with every woman he met afterwords. Since his heartbreak was never resolved, his attitude towards women grew into mistrust and anger for all women, including his wife, who he had married on the rebound. He developed a chauvinistic sense of humor about women and disparaged them whenever the topic of women arose. After telling his story a few times he admitted that it no longer held as much charge and that his attitude about women had softened.

What Women Can Do to Help

Men can’t be pushed to do their emotional work—either in therapy or in a men’s group. A man has to want to end his angry cycle and has to realize that only comes with facing the damage his behavior is causing him and everyone around him. What women can do is to encourage their partners to unload the baggage that interferes with their lives together. Listening without judgment or opinion will facilitate this process and make a man feel more comfortable about sharing his feelings. This is the time for a woman to be her partner’s best friend. This is the time for unconditional love.