Ken Solin

Every year for the past thirty years or so, my son has called me on Mothers Day to thank me. I raised my son, David, from a one year old until he went off to the Marine Corps.

In the late 1960′s, single dads were rare and services like daycare weren’t around yet. I had to invent how to raise a baby while at the same time just beginning my career right after college. I figured out a workable, daily plan and found a terrific woman with kids of her own to watch my son while I worked or traveled for work. I poured myself into my career and raising my son and there was little time left for anything else.

I loved him with all my heart and soul and wished only that he find the happiness in his youth that I never did. I coached his soccer and baseball teams, baked cookies for school functions, never missed a Parent/Teacher conference, and always knew where he was when he wasn’t at home.

The reward for the sacrificing was phenomenal. My son and I have a relationship that runs far deeper than I ever could have imagined. At 43, he is my hero now and I am grateful for the opportunity I had to bond with him.

My own experience with my father was dismal and violent. I didn’t learn any parenting skills from him except to be as unlike him as possible. The list of differences between me and my father as parents is long. I told my son I love him, regularly,  since he was born. I tell him each time we speak how proud I am of his as a man. I am his best friend. I don’t judge him. I’m a good listener. I give him feedback only when he asks for it. I rarely talk about my life, preferring to ask about his.

There are many single dads now and I hope they recognize how special their relationships with their children are. If you’re a single dad and struggling with all that entails, take comfort from knowing that your sacrifice will be rewarded by your children’s success and happiness. And pat yourself on the back from time to time. You deserve it.

A woman defines male courage

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.”  That quote from a famous French writer, Anais Nin, explains male courage perfectly even though she didn’t intend it for men alone. A man who lives his life in fear inhabits a tiny speck. A man who embraces courage inhabits the entire planet.

It takes enormous courage to be a father, particularly in troubled times. To be the kind of man who acts selflessly with his children takes courage. Knowing when to put himself last and acting out of a generosity of spirit with his children is courageous.

Too few men seem to be willing to be courageous fathers. I don’t think it’s so much out of a lack of courage as much as simply not knowing how. When friends call on Saturday morning to ask you to play ball, and you choose instead to watch your children play soccer or baseball, takes courage and selflessness.

To miss an important business meeting or have to reschedule it in order to be at your kid’s parent/teacher conference is laudable and courageous.When you explain the need to reschedule you might find an admirer, another courageous parent.

To feel in your heart what your children need from you often involves sacrifice. Not to feel it is to live in denial of your charter as a dad. Many fathers eschew their parental duty in favor of pleasing themselves because they don’t understand the damage they are doing to their children. They don’t see the terrible lesson their kids learn from being put last.

Few men ever received any worthwhile lessons from their own fathers and that lack of lessons goes back generations. It’s difficult not to repeat how we were treated as boys if we were neglected. Not to repeat your own childhood history takes courage.

To overcome your own dearth of parenting requires a conscious effort and an overwhelming desire to give your kids what you never received as a boy. To see the smile on your son’s or daughter’s faces when they see you standing on the sidelines cheering them on, is the reward. Knowing how it makes them feel to understand you cared enough to watch them play instead of making an excuse makes you a courageous dad.

If you’re not sure how to be a courageous dad, talk to another man who you respect as a father. Be frank and ask him how you might become a more involved dad.This isn’t a time for timidity. You need to learn quickly and implement what you’ve learned, right away.

This is an opportunity that won’t be repeated. You only get one shot at this, so make the most of it. Your life as a dad can expand without boundaries. It doesn’t have to shrink because you can’t find your courage.

I single-parented two boys nearly twenty years ago, and what I still feel in my heart today about my experience with them hasn’t diminished one iota. Just knowing that I did my absolute best makes me feel like the most courageous guy in the world. They have both told me at times how much they appreciated my involvement in their childhoods.

This is your golden opportunity, guys. Use it wisely and you won’t ever have to rewrite your role as a dad in the years to come to make believe you were in fact a good dad. Be courageous.

It’s easier to identify men who aren’t acting like men because there are so many examples of dysfunctional men in the news every day. But there are men who understand what it means to act like a man. Michael Bloomberg is one of those men. I grew up with Michael outside of Boston. My family knew his well enough that I wore his hand-me-down clothing.

I had breakfast with Michael shortly before he decided to run for Mayor of New York. He was in San Francisco, speaking at a business conference sponsored by a radio station. I hadn’t seen or spoken with Michael since we were boys, and even then, we weren’t particularly close. He was an Eagle Scout and I was a juvenile delinquent. Our paths didn’t cross very often.

Over breakfast at his hotel, we shared stories about dating and women. Michael’s stories were similar to mine in that neither of us was very expert when it came to women or dating. But as men, we shared some characteristics associated with appropriate male behavior. I had tutored in an after school program for underprivileged kids and had sponsored three, preteen girls in foster care, sending them to summer camp, buying them clothes for school, and putting braces on their teeth.

Michael was sponsoring underprivileged children in private schools then. He spoke about this project at length. He showed great passion for educating the underprivileged.

After he had finished explaining his plans for educating children, he said something that still sticks in my mind. “I want to give all of my money away before I die.” His exception was to leave something to his daughters. He meant what he said about giving it all away, and I recently read that he has established a foundation to help him accomplish that.

Michael walks the walk and knows what it means to act like a man. He didn’t become the Mayor of New York to get rich or repay political favors. He sincerely wanted to do some good for the City of New York and its people. He understood the potential power of money. He used his wealth to help get himself elected Mayor, but he is also using it for the benefit of those who likely won’t succeed without help. That’s admirable and raises the bar for how men should behave.

Knowing when to be selfless and behaving purely out of compassion is acting like a man. Michael Bloomberg knows how to act like a man. Those men who don’t, need only look in his direction to understand what they’re missing in terms of acting like men.