Ken Solin

Look around you the next time you’re in town or at the mall. Do you see any obese, old men? You won’t, because they’re all dead. That fact alone ought to convince you to get — and stay — in shape. For midlifers in particular, exercise is necessary to help ensure your quantity, as well as quality, of life.

I’m 66, and in the best shape I can remember. At 153 pounds, I feel as good as I did in my 40s and I’m wearing 30-waist jeans. I used to nap in the afternoon, but no longer feel tired. My mental energy has also increased. I left my last annual physical, totally stoked because all my health indicator numbers were perfect. And I’m enjoying life and looking forward to attending my seven-year-old grandson’s college graduation, down the road.

I’ve been exercising regularly for a quarter of a century now, changing my program to suit my age and lifestyle. I live in Marin County, California, where it seems like there are more in-shape men and women than anywhere except Brazil, so the motivation to get in shape was all around me. Even so, there are days when inertia feels harder to break than a sweat, and while I shoot for exercising seven days a week, I settle for six.

When I was in my 40s, I was single and mostly concerned about remaining attractive to women, and my ego drove me to the gym four or five days a week to climb the Stairmaster and use the Nautilus equipment. At 5’8″ and 160 pounds, I was in shape physically, but fat and flabby emotionally. I realized that I needed more than an in-shape body to create a good relationship with a woman and started a men’s group to work off the emotional fat.

In my 50s, I was still dealing with emotional issues and playing the dating field, and working out became about fighting the aging process. My body started wanting to let go and puddle in front of the television, and holding the line was becoming more difficult, partly because I wasn’t yet willing to make any dietary sacrifices.

In my 60s, I faltered a bit, and the results were predictable. I gained 15 pounds. I still tried to keep up the program by hiking with my dog on the mountain near my home but was losing motivation. The impetus to get back in the fitness game came from my wife, whom I met four years ago. She was close to my age, a former ballerina who’d been exercising regularly all her life. I only had to mention exercising, and she was dressed and ready to go. Even better, she was working on her emotional issues, too. Staying fit wasn’t about my ego any longer — it was about the health of my body and my marriage.

I began hiking up the mountain every morning with my wife and our two dogs — 40 minutes straight up and 20 minutes down. My weight fell to 160, but my body didn’t feel tight or toned. So I bought a set of adjustable dumbbells — I love that word — and began pumping iron while watching the news three days a week. I increased the weight every four to six weeks, and added 120 crunches to each workout. My strength increased noticeably in a few months, and my body grew leaner and harder. I feel like a much younger man and, while my libido isn’t as strong as it was in my 40s, it’s still powerful.

I also changed my diet significantly — fewer carbs, no processed foods, lots of protein, and unlimited quantities of fruits and vegetables. I satisfy my occasional carb craving with a pizza or a meatball hero, but my twice-a-year hot-fudge sundae with peppermint-stick ice cream is my favorite cheat treat.

If you’re not sure whether or not you’re overweight, forget BMI indexes and height-weight charts. Get naked, stand up straight with your feet close together and look down. If all you see are your toes — or worse, just the floor — you might want to get your body in motion. Even if you have to slap yourself around a bit, get off your couch and into the gym or some place you can burn calories and get a good cardio workout. If you don’t want to join a gym, buy an inexpensive set of weights and start lifting. .

I can’t promise you’ll live longer, but you’ll definitely feel better, especially when you give a stack of your dad jeans, to Goodwill. Your wife or girlfriend will love the new you and she’ll respect the mental and physical effort you’re making.

And don’t let your emotional fitness slide. Join a men’s group — or start your own — and do the work that will help you get rid of the emotional love handles you’ve been carrying around for years.

My new book, Act Like a Man, gives you a front-row view of what that looked like for eight guys who’ve been doing the work together for over two decades. As one reviewer said, “It’s a reality show in a book.”

Twenty years ago, I put together a men’s group where eight guys met twice a month to teach each other the lessons of manhood most didn’t get from their fathers and to work through the issues that affect our relationships and limit our lives. We wrestled with friendship and trust, intimacy and sexuality, marriage and divorce, parenting and fatherhood, and emerged as better all-around men. This two-decade journey of my group is chronicled in my new book, Act Like a Man — available now on Amazon in Kindle or print editions.

One lingeringly painful experience that several of the men in my group — including me — never managed to totally come to terms with, though, is the way we were marginalized and penalized as divorced fathers in the family court system. Comments from many readers of my articles echo the ongoing trauma of similar experiences. In fact, as I write this — 30 years after my own divorce — I’m hyperventilating just remembering the anger, frustration, and intense emotional anxiety I went through then.

It takes two people to make a marriage work and two people to destroy it. And, while it’s debatable which gender is more responsible for the 50% divorce rate, all that matters to the children is having two parents who love them and can help them cope with the fallout from a broken home. Too often, however, the courts don’t view custody cases from this perspective, operating instead from a 1950s paradigm in which fathers were considered breadwinners with little hands-on parental input.

This assumption that women are more capable of raising children than men are makes my blood boil. I raised my oldest son as a single dad from ages one to six in the late 1960s, when there was no daycare and I was just beginning my career after college. What I lacked in parenting skills, I more than made up for with love, nurturing, and a deep desire to be that little boy’s hero. I never shirked my responsibility and, for years, had no social life.

Years later, having had temporary custody of my second son for a year, I found myself in family court when he was 10 after learning that he frequently found his mother drunk and passed out on the sofa when he came home from school. I had to hire a lawyer — which wiped out my savings — answer insulting and irrelevant questions in depositions, and be accused of being an unfit father — despite my proven track record — before finally being awarded full custody. And, despite the emotional and financial pain I endured, I consider myself lucky. The judge refused to pay give credence to opposing depositions and put my son’s interests first by taking him into his chambers and talking with him for nearly an hour. He asked my son the only relevant question — “Do you feel safe with your mother?” — and ruled to protect him.

My oldest son is an adult now and the father of a young son himself — in many ways, the dad I wish I’d had. He’s gone through his own custody battle and I’m proud he made a stand for his rights with his son. It’s agonizing to see him have to suffer the way I did just to protect his rights as a father, though, and my heart goes out to him each time he faces a new legal hurdle.

Few men would argue that they have to help support and raise their children after divorce. But sometimes women take advantage of the family courts for financial gain. To a father whose custody of his children has been limited, providing financial support can feel like marriage without any benefits. While I sympathize with a woman’s need for financial support to help her raise the children, I have no sympathy for women who use the courts to destroy the financial lives of their ex-husbands. A failed marriage shouldn’t be an opportunity to get even — for either parent.

If it takes two incomes in today’s economy to support an intact family, then it’s going to take two incomes to support that family after divorce — and maybe even more, considering the necessity for two separate homes. In fact, it’s very important that children feel they do have two homes — not a primary home with their mom and a weekend stopover at Dad’s place. By giving equal custody to fathers, women would both lighten their financial burden and increase their opportunities to work outside the home. A shared arrangement — both custodial and financial — is both fairest for the parents and most advantageous for their children.

Equal physical custody is every divorced father’s right, and I support and advocate for every man who struggles to maintain his role as equal parent to his children. And I hope women will realize that this shared parenting is in their children’s best interest and will get behind men in this struggle. Read my book to see how guys can support each other — and women can help — in making the family court system truly serve justice for all.

The sexual paradigm is morphing rapidly. Evidence of the progress women are making in every venue is abundant. As the number of women enrolled in the graduate schools of business, medicine, and science, has increased to half or more, the ranks of men have decreased proportionately. More women are serving in government, and some are fighting our wars. While their progress in every arena is laudable, it has led some in the media to the wrong conclusion.

The “demise of men” is a hot topic. While some men are lost and angry and feel as if men are on the decline compared to women, many understand that the ascent of women didn’t depend on the descent of men. Most men understand the shift in the balance of sexual power and aren’t threatened by it. But there are a fair amount of men who apparently do resent empowered women, and their attitudes, while antediluvian, are made publicly and frequently.

Nowhere is the empowerment of women more evident than in relationships. Women aren’t so keen to marry, have children, and stay home. Many view marriage as a one-way ticket to single motherhood, and the divorce statistics support that. Women are far more circumspect about their partnering selections, and some men complain women are unceremoniously dumping them. The comments left by jilted men on HuffPost50 regarding articles about relationships reflect the anger some men are feeling. But the genie is out of the bottle, in terms of empowered women. Where does this leave men? That depends on whether men view themselves as victims or partners in the new dynamic.

I urge men struggling with the changing sexual dynamic, to stop whining about how women are treating them. First, it’s unmanly to whine. Second, no one is listening except other whiny men. Women have long suffered second-class citizenship, especially in relationships, so it falls on deaf ears when men complain women aren’t treating them well. There’s often a temporary swing to the other extreme during a cultural shift.

Every time I write about men behaving inappropriately with women, there’s a contingent that reminds me that women sometimes behave badly in relationships, too. Of course there are women who aren’t particularly interested in being the best relationship partners possible, but that’s a flimsy excuse for men who insist their dysfunctional behavior is a quid pro quo. It’s a circular argument with no winner.

Taking the high road is most effective. Men who treat women with respect and dignity will find few who will mistreat them in return. Men need to stop excusing their behavior and cynicism about women because a woman once mistreated them. If men behave in a manner that will inspire women to appreciate them and treat them with the respect they deserve, they will be rewarded most of the time.

If you’re in a relationship with a woman who treats you badly, walk away. If a woman unfairly dumped you, let the pain in, allow yourself to feel the sting, and then move on. Men suffer greatly after failed relationships when they refuse to feel their pain and work it. There’s nothing new about men sucking it up instead of putting their painful experience to rest.

I appreciate all the comments from readers, and I’m not averse to opposing attitudes. But, pointing your finger at women who have mistreated you as your rationale for doing the same to them only increases the emotional distance in relationships, and it won’t win any hearts.

The first principle to honor is that women are equal to men, and until men fully accept that premise, the angry finger pointing will continue, and relationships will remain contentious. Make the first move. Be open and honest and state your needs clearly. Most women will respond in kind and treat you with the same respect. Whether or not the demise of men becomes a reality has nothing to do with women, and everything to do with men’s attitudes.

My men’s group doesn’t allow whining because everyone knows from experience that it keeps the pain alive instead of addressing it and letting it go. Evolved men don’t hamstring themselves with self-pity. If you’re feeling hurt about the way a woman treated you, talking it out with other men will help you move beyond the pain and disappointment. Other men can also help put you on a better path with women. My new book, Act Like a Man clearly demonstrates how men can successfully improve their relationships with women, and make lifelong men friends in the process.