There’s the legal aspect of divorce that’s enormously painful. Having to pay hard earned money to lawyers, simply to make a deal over the death of the marriage is financially and emotionally devastating, and it’s not surprising most folks see divorce lawyers as scavengers or buzzards, who hover over death for personal gain. If you’re a divorce lawyer, perhaps you should have considered another area of law that doesn’t prey on men and women who are grieving. That’s my opinion, and not necessarily everyone’s view of divorce lawyers.
There’s also the child custody, child support, and visitation issues, that keep the vengeful fires of discontent burning hot. I’ve never understood why any rational person would use divorce as a method to punish an ex-mate by trying to keep them from their children. Rational person is the key in this argument, because rationality goes out the window as soon as a couple split up.
The loss of friends after divorce is not uncommon. People take sides and someone is left without a chair when the divorce music ends. For a man who didn’t have any close friends, the loss of friends who abandon them after divorce stings deep.
There are so many useful lessons to be gleaned after divorce, and it’s sad how few men pay attention to those lessons. What typically follows divorce, for men, is anger, and this anger overwhelms rational thought and common sense. The notion of punishment is powerful and prevents men from focusing on the valuable lessons that might help them avoid making the same mistakes again. I know this is true, because for men, second marriages end in divorce more frequently than first marriages. That’s because men haven’t paid attention, listened to their inner heroes, or been able to focus on their part of the failed marriage.
Here’s what I know to be true. Divorced men who share their pain, anger, disgust, disbelief, and contempt, with other like minded men, reap the rewards. I don’t mean that a man suffering a divorce needs other men to agree with him about his ex-wife or her part in the failed relationship. I mean that a man going through the pangs of divorce can benefit from getting his story out and then listening to other men who’ve shared his experience. The benefit for a recently divorced man is that he can look at his part of the failure and hopefully take ownership long enough to want to change his behavior so as not to repeat it. Angry men can learn how to drop their anger. Cheating men can figure out the real reasons they cheated. Men without emotional awareness can begin to listen to their inner heroes because that’s where a man’s heart resides.
The worst mistake a divorced man can make is to ignore his pain and let his anger govern his behavior. Using women for angry sex isn’t part of the healing process, and actually prolongs the agony since the root causes of a man’s failures have been pushed aside for immediate satisfaction, instead of gleaning important lessons. No single woman in her right mind would ever date a recently divorced man. That would be committing emotional suicide and a guaranty for pain.
Men need to stop suffering all alone in the dark. Too many men have no real men friends to counsel them and help them see beyond their immediate pain. Joining with other men in a small, confidential group can be a real lifesaver for a lot of guys. Men who have no friends will establish friendships that can last his lifetime. Men who’ve suffered their issues for decades can learn to leave them behind. Men who keep missing the mark in relationships can learn from the men who have worked through similar issues and make the changes necessary.
This is a guarantied win for men. There’s no downside. There’s only blue sky.
Act like a man!