Ken Solin

The male specific issues the great majority of men struggle with are related to divorce, dating, relationships, marriage, unemployment, raising children, and their inability to access and communicate their feelings. Each of these issues can best be resolved in small, confidential groups with other men. It’s entirely unnecessary for men to get into individual therapy if they’re struggling with these issues. What I’ve learned over twenty years working with men is that under the right conditions, men are eminently capable of working together to resolve the issues mentioned. Therapists don’t play any role in this work.

Getting into therapy to resolve any of these issues is wrong on two fronts. First, therapy is expensive, but that would be okay if therapy were a reliable, successful solution for men’s issues. It isn’t by any stretch. Second, male therapists don’t know any more about manhood issues than laymen. Male therapists struggle with all the same issues other men struggle with because therapy has no relevance dealing with the issues mentioned. In fact, male therapists’ training in psychology is irrelevant. Men have to assume the responsibility for their own emotional well-being.

Every single man who dug deep and did the work in my men’s group changed his behavior by working through his issues with other men. That’s worth repeating. Every single man who did the work, succeeded. There are no therapists who have anywhere near that level of success dealing with men’s issues. And worse, when therapists lead men’s groups, they are no longer men’s groups, but group therapy instead. Therapists, who lead men’s group, rob the men in that group of the opportunity to resolve their issues together and learn about themselves in the process.

Men’s groups don’t require a leader of any kind, therapist or otherwise. There’s no necessity for leadership because men can succeed far better without one. Leading men’s groups is a business for therapists, and men’s groups should never be about business. A man in a therapist led group pays for each facilitated meeting he attends, and that’s simply wrong. When men share their real life experiences on an emotional level, the results are vastly superior to any psychological help. Men are flesh and blood, not statistics or case studies, and every man in a men’s group should be an equal. When a leader assumes a role of authority, the men in the group become his patients or clients, and considering that therapists don’t know any more about their manhood than any other men, that’s just wrong-headed.

The work men accomplish in small groups of eight is different from group therapy. All of the work is related to men teaching each other what appropriate male behavior means and how to become better men. They accomplish this through the emotional sharing of their experiences. A man going through a divorce doesn’t need a therapist to tell him he’s in pain or that he should focus on how he’s feeling. What that man can benefit most from is hearing from other men who have gone through divorce who can share, on an emotional basis, how they felt, what they did that worked, and what didn’t work. He can hear how other men in his situation handled the devastating fallout from divorce. That man’s pain, anger, child rearing fears, dating, and ex-wife problems, can be best addressed by men who suffered them, worked through them, and moved beyond them. That information is invaluable, and is as available as the next time the group meets. Men have been meeting together in small groups like mine for decades, albeit in small numbers.

Shared emotional experience isn’t the same as advice, because it’s entirely based on what a man feels, not what he thinks. Advice has nothing to do with feelings. Advice is an opinion, and typically begins with the words, “You should”. Advice is the lowest form of conversation because opinions are debatable. A man sharing how he feels is not offering his opinion. His feelings are his absolute truth. No one can argue about a man’s feelings because that information is authentic when it comes from his heart, not his head.

The difficulty is getting men to realize the enormous value of what they already know. Eight, forty-year old men sitting together can share over three hundred years of real life experience. That’s an encyclopedia of male behavior a group can tap. Nothing is as relevant and real as men sharing their stories on an emotional level.

What most men expect or think is true about men’s group is incorrect. Men avoid emotional intimacy with each other because they have grown weary from years of listening to men who typically offer them lots of advice, judgment, and criticism. Men don’t trust each other because of how they have been treated by other men. There’s no trust in shallow relationships. Men learn it’s best to keep their problems to themselves to avoid an onslaught of advice.

Advice has no place in a men’s group. Men join groups to hear other men speak from their hearts, not their heads. There’s too much noise in their lives already to waste time listening to more gratuitous advice. Men want and deserve better. When men belong to a small, confidential group with other men who care about them, they feel safe unloading the emotional burdens that fester in their souls. They learn to open their hearts and speak from a place most men can’t or won’t because they don’t know how and have never felt safe enough to try. They also make authentic friends, and for many men, this is a first.

No man in a men’s group has to face his painful life’s issues alone, ever again. The sense of comfort knowing that seven other men truly care what happens to him and who speak their truths from their hearts to him can’t be quantified. It’s that big. Trust is a huge part of being in a men’s group, and that trust is unbreakable and enduring. The wimpy men are those who ignore their issues and continue to inflict them on everyone around them. The heroes are the men who face their issues and resolve them. That takes courage.

If you’re a man who feels he might benefit from sharing your issues with other men, my website contains information regarding how to join or start a group. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Being a lone wolf is emotional suicide. There’s value beyond your imagination in joining the pack. Join or start a men’s group and become a better man.

You’re a man who prefers to be in relationships with women where emotional intimacy isn’t expected or wanted. You’re okay with sexual intimacy, but only if it isn’t accompanied by emotional intimacy. In other words, you want sex, but you don’t want any heart connection with a woman.

If you’re under thirty, you may have found plenty of women to date who haven’t yet figured out why their relationships keep failing. Of course your relationships always end in failure too, and likely for the same reasons, but you’re going to hang tough and have it your way or no way. If you’re over thirty and still cling to the idea that the perfect relationship doesn’t require an emotional component, you’re probably not doing very well finding women close to your age to date.

While I admire your stamina, your rejection of emotional intimacy isn’t particularly admirable, because it’s painful to watch a man hit his head against the wall until he passes out, only to awaken and repeat banging his head against the wall. If you think there’s such a thing as an authentic relationship with a woman that doesn’t involve emotional intimacy, think again.

The reason this is a lose/lose philosophy is that absent emotional intimacy, what’s left is an acquaintanceship. The next time your life falls apart, call all of your acquaintances and see how many show up to help you. More than none would be surprising. No one is going to care about you unless you’re willing to care about them too. I’m not sure why that’s hard to understand, but it appears that for many men, the notion of emotional intimacy with a woman is too challenging to contemplate. Maybe challenging is the wrong word. Perhaps fear is a better word to describe a man who rejects emotional intimacy.

For two decades I went from woman to woman like a bee in heat, but unlike the bee who gathers pollen and makes food grow, all my relationships died from the lack of emotional nutrition. I was terrified to share my inner self with a woman for fear she would use it against me later on. I experienced such a disaster when I was young and figured out that the less I gave of myself, the better my chances for survival after the relationship cratered, and surprise, they all cratered.

Relationships, for men, are about getting past their fear and trust issues. Lots of men insist a woman earn their trust before they let them into their hearts. Of course that rarely happens because there’s no quantitative methodology for measuring trust. But it sure keeps a woman from getting into your heart. The perfect lose/lose.

Rejecting emotional intimacy is all about denying a woman access to your heart, whether your issues are fear, trust, or any other past pain that you haven’t let go of yet. To expect any woman worth having as your partner to embrace you with the feint hope that one day you’ll trust her is a complete non-starter.

Men who talk about their emotional intimacy fears with other men will find their fears aren’t unique. They will also learn lessons from those men who overcame their fear of intimacy who will share with them how they made that happen. It’s not cool to be a loner who preys on women desperate enough to embrace you no matter how unskilled you are. It’s very cool to be a man who stands with other men, teaches them what you’ve learned, and learn what they have to teach you.

It’s 2011, and way past time to wake up and embrace the emotions you keep jamming down into that special place you reserve to lock your feelings up in to avoid intimacy.

It’s time to
Act like a man!

The difference between an acquaintance and a true friend is that if you’re in any sort of trouble, you can’t expect help from an acquaintance. If you don’t have a real friend, you have no one to call. Not to have even a short list of friends who will come to your aid when you most need help or support is tragic.
There are many reasons men give for not having friends. The most commonly offered reason or perhaps a better word would be excuse, is “I just don’t have the time.” When I hear this I automatically flinch because I know that excuse isn’t valid, and I also know how I felt when I used to use it.
The next time your life is unraveling and you can’t bear the pain, who will you call for help? If you don’t think your life will ever reach a point of despair bad enough to need help, think again. Everyone’s life falls on hard times once in a while.
Men lose their jobs, get divorced, face death, get sick, and are forced to endure a host of other situations that no man should ever have to face on his own.
The real reason men don’t have true friends is that in order to form a deep, emotionally intimate friendship, a man has to trust that he will not be hurt, and absent trust, fear takes over, and men end up all alone in life.
The man who fits into the category of loner or lone wolf, lives his life in an emotional vacuum. Absent the emotional support, the oxygen friends provide, the loner suffocates from a lack of emotional air to breathe. He stands in front of his bathroom mirror in the morning, stares into it, and second-guesses himself every time he has to make an important decision. He has no backup, no one who can offer him their own experiences in his current situation that could shed some light on his problem.
I’ve been in a men’s group I began twenty years ago, and I’ve heard men talk about their issues and learn what they need to know from other men who have shared their experiences. I’m not talking about advice, because advice is just another word for opinion, and an opinion is worthless when you’re facing trouble.
When a man offers his experience, he is sharing what he’s learned, from his heart, and that’s not advice, it’s his absolute truth.
That doesn’t mean that every time a man faces his demons, another man will rescue him. What it does mean is that facing your demons alone is far more painful and futile than facing them with genuine friends who care.
If you’re a man without friends, consider how much better the quality of your life could be if you had people you could reach out to when you needed them, and who would be there for you, no matter what.
I know this is true because I’ve had to call on my friends for help, and without exception, they were always there for me when I need them.
You don’t have to go it alone, especially since half the population is other men. Reach out and find a men’s group or start your own. If you need help there’s information on my website.
Act like a man!