I frequently hear men talking about their “friends”. Most seem to be acquaintances though, particularly when the friends mentioned are business associates. I think the confusion about what constitutes authentic friendship arises because so few men have any. In that vein, casual acquaintances become a substitute for friends. Let me clear up any confusion.

When your life falls apart, i.e. divorce, death, job loss, relationship breakup, health issues, etc., who can you call for comfort and help? Likely, no one since most men don’t have the kind of friends they can call upon when any of the aforementioned issues arise.

So, there you stand in front of your bathroom mirror, alone, desperate, anxious, confused, and sad. You’re experiencing something terrible you’ve never faced before and you have no one to call for help. This is perhaps the loneliest and most painful time in your life, and you have no one to can reach out to. It’s likely you have already had your bathroom mirror episodes, so what have you done to avoid the next one? What effort have you made to ensure you’ll never be left out in the cold again? Doing nothing is committing emotional suicide. So is grabbing at any branch floating by.

If you have no real friends, the woman you are in relationship with is forced to become your entire social world. Of course, no woman can suffer this burden for very long, and at some point a smart woman would decide to unburden herself by breaking up with you. Women who have experienced a man without friends once, frequently ask the next man they meet whether or not he has any friends. A no answer means she’ll pass.

Your children, who have friends they play with, will not understand why dad seems to be alone most of the time. The example you set for them regarding friends is an important lesson. Whether it’s a positive or negative one is entirely up to you.

How do I know so much about being friendless? I was without authentic friends until I turned forty, when I’d grown weary of watching other men connect on a level I simply wasn’t able to. I decided that no matter the pain associated with making friends, the pain of not having any was worse.

Making friends isn’t easy, particularly authentic friends who you can absolutely trust to be there for you in your moment of need. Trust is the keyword that defines authentic friendship. Trust is what allows men to be open and honest without fear of reprisal or recrimination.

I have a half dozen authentic men friends now, guys who I trust without pause or consideration. These men rose to the occasion when my youngest son died and never left my side. They supported me through the worst time I’d ever experienced, without ever missing a beat. My friends provided the kind of comfort and warmth only possible through trust and love.

Where did I find such honorable and trustworthy men? I started a men’s group nearly two decades ago. While we’ve experienced men who are not trustworthy or capable of love, we’ve hung in together and brought new men into the group to replace them. Nothing could prevent any of us from being emotionally available to one another. Our trust in each other is absolute.

We never give advice, but offer our own experiences instead. The words, “you should”, have been replaced by, “here’s what I did when faced with your dilemma”. The difference is profound. It’s the difference between the nonsense men tell each other standing at a bar drinking together, and the invaluable information men share from their hearts. Which is more valid? It’s obvious.

If you know any men who might be interested in digging deeper into their lives, ask them to join with you a few times a month to talk about helping each other work through your issues. Eight men is sufficient. More becomes cumbersome. This might save your life down the road, but at a minimum, will enrich your life enormously.

Act like a man!